One child, constantly hitting the other child? I am sick and tired of this crap, my 4 yr old loves to beat on his 7 yr old and I can't take it, neither can my 7 yr old, he's actually afraid of the 4 yr old, why is this kid so lose with his freaking hands? legs? feet? teeth? anything he can get his hands on and for no reason he just has to be hitting my oldest! we don't freaking hit them, I don't get it and I want it to stop! So help, thanks.
High Heel Lover
i have three kids (17-boy, 11-girl, and 9-girl). thankfully, i've never had problems between the boy and the girls (different moms but all live with me). i think my kids get along very well and are considered pretty well-behaved (perfectly behaved most say) by everyone who meets them (ask lady jade).
however, it was plainly and directly stated by me to my son that he was not allowed to hit or bully the girls. even though he's NEVER exhibited any animosity or bullying to them. i just felt preemptive discussion is better than reaction.
now some people might say that's unnecessary (and definitely so if you knew my son, he's probably the sweetest person i know). but imo, stating it outright eliminates ANY confusion or unknowns on the part of the children involved. children are blank slates, the details have to be provided to them imo.
btw, i also stated to the girls that they were never to take advantage of their brother's protective orders as i would surely use physical punishment to correct any injustice they may try to do (kids aren't stupid afterall, if there's no chance of punishment why should they follow the rules?).
and i think it's that last aspect of justice 'waiting to be delivered' if there are any transgressions (by either side) that lays out the parameters of a (mostly) peaceful coexistence. lol!
and i say mostly because the girls themselves will still go at it with each other now and then. nothing like outright fistfights or actual harm but teasing, pinching (taught by their mom btw! grrr.), etc.
but to settle their disputes, i simply let the wronged party settle their own score under my close watch. imo, nothing breeds restraint better than the fear of reprisal.
i'll state it plainly: i think you should hit the 4-yr as punishment.
nothing crazy of course. like a spanking or smack on the specific hand that hit the 7-yr-old. or even let the 7-yr-old do it like i noted above for my kids. not a right cross to the jaw or anything serious! but the very act of it WILL remain with the 4-yr-old and he WILL think twice about hitting his brother or anyone else!
this is as much for the 4-yr-old's own good (school's only a year away for him) as for the 7-yr-old's though. imo, the 7-yr-old needs to know he's safe from his little brother and that you can protect him from being bullied and treated fairly despite of the age differences.
I make them sit on the sofa and hold hands for as long as I see fit. The worse the fight, the longer they sit and hold hands. Spanking didn't/doesn't work well for mine.
We could be playing kick the damn soccer ball from one side to the other and they have to have separate balls and if the other touches or looks at the other ones ball a fight breaks out. It is a constant thing and I am so sick of this crap.
They can't play together or away and when I like now, I am sitting here and they are fighting over a cushion, the other pushing the little one's head away cause he wants to bite him, for a fucking cushion! I hate this so MUCH! cause they do get really hurt.
I am a ref, all day, all night, everything is a competition or a problem, teeth brushing, no my turn, no mine! I have to pee, me too, the lil one will pee on the big one, the big one cries and I make him clean it up and then time out.
He is a sweet kid but I am going crazy. The constantly tell each other they hate each other, they are 7 and 4, why so much damn hate? I have never, EVER said I hate anyone in front of them, EVER! I know hubby doesnt' either and I am just at a loss.
Ever since the little one could move he's been like this and I don't understand it, I have spoken to the ped and he too says it's a phase how fucking long is the goddamn phase? it's been 3 years and I dont' think I can take any more.
I like the siting thing, I don't hit cause they have always said never hit when you are angry and when I have felt the urge to it's cause I can't take it any more and I fear that I will hurt my babies so I don't, plus I used to get my ass beat and it did not help so yeah.
High Heel Lover
i've never hit my kids out of anger. my anger has/had absolutely nothing to do with it. it was simply my paternal protective instinct to protect the other child and teach the offending child how to interact in society.Originally Posted by HHL
the hitting doesn't have to hurt, it's the act of reprisal that's the issue. that they know there's a consequence to their actions. hurting the child actually works against the concept imo. i've spanked each of my kids once in their lives. one hit each on tush. once. never had to do it again. and all about the same age, 5ish iirc.
it wasn't the pain of the one smack, it was more the surprise that up until then (as babies and toddlers and then as young kids) they thought they were immune from punishment or good behaviour.
never hurt your babies. but you do need to teach them not to hurt each other or anyone else is all i was saying. and sometimes that requires punishment or instruction of the rules/laws. beating, just to vent is abuse; plain and simple. but punishment/justice is normal imho.
Oh ok. Got it.
I am just so frustrated, maybe cause I am a SAHM does it go so stressful and I just want at least a day of peace! Ok that is a lie I want more than a day I want them to play and have fun and be happy and not have me pulling my hair out or wanting to run away!
High Heel Lover
Man, that's a tough one. I know we fought like cats and dogs (me and two younger brothers), but it was just understood that we absolutely could never hit one another or say we hated anyone. My mom never really had to do much in the way of discipline except threaten to tell our dad (which she only did when we were really bad). He didn't beat us, but the few times we did get in trouble like that we got our butts blistered. I'm not normally in favor of that, but in our case it really worked. The way we were afraid of getting in trouble with him you'd have thought he whipped us all of the time, but in reality I could count it on one hand. It was just that effective.
Hang in there.
^ That shit never worked in my house. My brother and I fought horribly. He had severe ADHD, and by the age of 9 I was required to babysit for him. I couldnt stand him, he was so hyper and so bad! we totally destroyed the house in our fights...I would lose my temper and hit him, then run and lock myself in the bathroom so he couldnt beat me back, but he'd bust down the door..it was aweful.
My mother would just traten us with wait till your dad gets home...in which case I made sure before dad came home to put on every single pair of panties i owned in order to pad my butt.
But my parents..my mom didn't hit often, but when she did, it was a swift smack across the face. It was horrible. My dad would lose his temper and hit us with his belt, ass, back of legs...again, not often, but when he did, it was horrible.
I dont think smacking the kid in order to teach him not to smack his brother or sister is the way to go..how can you tell him hitting your brother is bad, so for punishment, i'll hit you? I think siblings fighting is just somethign they all go through...I think, and I dunno if this would work or not...but why not give them pillows and say go at it? hmm...tell them that hitting is absolutly forbidden EXCEPT at this certain time. Each day, at 4pm, give them pillows and say ya wanna hit? nows your chance. But after this 15 minutes, there is no hitting the rest of the day.
this.
that's what i meant by punishing/hitting/smacking. i just said it too plainly, i guess. i'm just not one to sugar-coat it when talking about raising kids (the one subject i feel strongest about).
if you're hitting your kids regularly, even to punish or "teach" them, then you're doing it wrong imo. it should be like andygirl says, once or so rare it's reserved for something very important (safety - them sneaking out, drugs, actual harm, etc.). i'm absolutely not kidding when i say i've only smacked my kids once in their lives on their butts. not even multiple hits that one time each. (frankly, if i kept hitting my son he probably put me thru a wall by now. <.< )
hitting to push the "point" across (like the slap in the face kai mentioned) is no good. the shock of that or the cruelty of that overwhelms the "lesson/point" imo. it needs to be the fear of punishing. not a nice way to put it but it's like why don't you speed at 100-mph on the highways? it's the fear of getting a ticket (or crashing and dying :p) that prevents disregard of the rules of driving.
fear of parental reprisal/justice/punishment is the rules parameters the kids need. i think it's fine (and more effective) if one parent is the "hammer" (most dads are this) and the other the arbitrator. if both parents are the "hammer", then it's just fear. :/
btw, imho, it's MUCH harder to be both hammer and arbitrator as most single parents (like myself) have to do.
Last edited by snoopy; 07-30-2010 at 04:38 PM.
I was an abused child, and i still dont think there was anything wrong with a quick firm slap to the culo when i was being, REALLY REALLY bad. I dont think I will spank my daughters culo, I hope to have better options then that. culo slaps are not abuse in my eyes.
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